Crazy Love

The most annoying trope in Hollywood is the girl who is “Crazy in Love”. You know the one, the girl in Wedding Crashers who says, “I will find you!” or the entire plot of All About Steve, and yes, most criticisms of Taylor Swift’s music.

Maybe this is a soft spot for me for personal reasons: It doesn’t make it any less trite.

How come men get to be passionate, and women have to be crazy? Don’t even pretend like Joe in You wasn’t romanticized, because if you missed it, WATCH IT AGAIN. They normalized ACTUAL male stalking, and they still make jokes about Taylor Swift’s love life. Let’s call it what it is, y’all.

(Disclaimer: stalking and murder, and/or extreme aggressiveness is NOT passion, it’s abuse. Just to be clear)

It’s delusional that loving someone fully, unconditionally, without reserve is anything but what most humans desire. This stigma that bleeding hearts receive–the bad rep for the all-in, never give-up, romantics, is garbage. Hot trash.

Taylor and I are both 1989 babies. That means, as Taylor grew into the spotlight, I got to watch a girl whose journals probably look a lot like mine, who got to put music to her words and literally stand under pouring rain in a sparkly sequence dress–a dress that was hidden underneath of a black sweat suit. She made a song about being a band geek and feeling invisible, and all of the small-town, invisible girls, like me, finally felt seen.

Then, Taylor said what we all needed her to say, and she called B.S. on people calling her crazy, and she made a freaking satirical song about it… BRAVA, girlfriend, BRAVA.

The pictures featured are ACTUAL pictures of me, in all of their blurry glory from middle school and high school. The nostalgia is strong when going through old photos! When I was in high school, I dated a boy. He was my first kiss, so naturally, I grew very attached to the idea of him. We went on dates, and he came home to meet my family. I was too naïve to see and believe that he was playing games with me. While we went on dates outside of school, he was seeing another girl in school. Since we were in different grades, I didn’t notice, simply because we didn’t have many classes together. When it was brought to my attention, I confronted him and he swore they were just friends. When it came that time of year for homecoming, I thought I was getting asked to go, and I was super stoked. Then I found out he asked the girl who was just his friend, instead of me, the freshman girl he was seeing in secret. It gets worse. He spread a rumor around school that we never dated, and I was stalking him. Super gross. This created a soft spot for me in regards to the stigma around girls who love passionately, and deeply.

Anyway, for the record, I only semi-stalked ONE boy from middle school and high school and he follows me on Facebook now that we are adults. SO, it couldn’t have been THAT BAD. (Insert nervous laughing emoji)

“I LOVED PEOPLE SO HARD. I will never regret that.”

Recently, I pulled out some old journals, and whoa, buddy, maybe I was a little dramatic, and maybe even a little too intense for a while. But, I LOVED PEOPLE SO HARD. I will never ever regret that. People I didn’t even date, but loved from afar. Even when I didn’t feel good enough, I still loved them with the hope that unrequited love would eventually be reciprocated. Be honest… wouldn’t you want someone all-in like that? Now, granted, I was a teenager, and I can TOTALLY recognize the psychology behind the aforementioned statement. The sentiment is what I am referring to. For example, this is how I love my children. Will they love me fully and unconditionally for their whole lives? Maybe not, but I will continue to love them unconditionally despite how they feel. I may be wrong, but even in non-romantic, or intimate ways, isn’t that how we all want to be seen and loved?

So, why the bad rap?

If anything, what people who might not ever feel that deeply don’t understand, is that these feelings, they don’t ever completely leave. So, I can read a poem I wrote in middle school and remember where I was when I wrote it, how I felt, and what the person I was writing about looked like at that time. It’s a wild thing to carry with you. It comes in waves, like grief. People who I loved fully, they never completely leave me.

If that still sounds “crazy” to you, sorry. Maybe this blog isn’t for you.

If you can resonate with me, thank you.

If I have ever loved you, I want you to know:

Sometimes, I still feel bitter

Sometimes, I still feel taken advantage of

Sometimes, I my soul is still sore

Sometimes, I still miss you

I can still hear the sound of your voice or laugh

I wonder if I am memorable

I wonder if you hate me

I wonder if you think I hate you

I know I messed up, and I hope you can forgive me

Regardless of whether or not you forgive me, I totally, and completely forgive you for anything, and everything.

I love you, but differently now

I want you to know,

I take you with me.

❤ Cher’re

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